a game of chess

I hate chess notation so I snagged a free copy of snagit, see earlier post than this, in order to post a game of chess that I had. Not sure why. Maybe I have too much time on my hands. Anyway after losing miserably to several other losers playing chess online I chanced upon the fellow below, who made me feel a little better, even though I made several potentially fatal mistakes, as you will see.

So we begin. I am playing black and my opponent is playing white. I like playing with about 11 mins per side timed games, though I usually end up finishing the game in about 5-6 mins per side. You can see my avatar.





After he made his first move I knew something was up. Unless you are an absolute beginner or a highly advanced player playing some weird opening move you usually open with the king or queen pawn 2 spaces forward. I countered with my queen pawn.



Attack! He attacks my poor pawn with his weirdly placed opening pawn! Another sign that he is a beginner. Usually you don't attack right away but rather get your other pieces moved forward and set up for middlegame.



I easily avoid his attack and advance my pawn closer to being Queened, though he can certainly attack back.



He stops the advance with his queen pawn, but doesn't really open anything up for himself, and he exposes his king along the green line!



I back up my lone pawn with my king pawn, in case he attacks with his bishop, and also to secure the middle of the board, which seems to be the best way to approach the beginning of the game.



Here he attacks with his bishop anyway, not sure why, he would want to castle his king on the left side anyway and my pawn is protected by his buddy pawn.



I move up my horsie, knight, starting the countdown until I castle my king on my left side and also further attacking and holding the middle.



Attack again! Another lame attack by his king side pawn, which may lead to him losing the king's protection.



I move my bishop out to castle and CHECK his ass like a looter in a riot. Of course he can block me with his bishop or knight (or queen, which would be very stupid).



Instead of blocking the check with one of his pieces he moves his king!
Now I know I am dealing with a very beginning chess player and my confidence is piqued, though as you know confidence breeds cockiness which leads to mistakes that can lose the game. We'll see if I get too cocky or not.



I take his king pawn, not sure why but now I see him being weak and am going for blood.



He takes my pawn with his king pawn, further leaving his king exposed on the side he should have castled on. And leaving his queen behind his king: a strategy for disaster only (he'll have to move his king out of the way and get his queen shanked easily).



I check with my bishop, eager to slash him open by taking his queen and not seeing the easy block he had.



The brave knight saves his queen's ass.



Tasting his fear I attack the knight with a pawn, even though he can easily kill the pawn on the right side with his other pawn, but I am delirious with excitement and want the kill!



Not sure what kind of crack this fool is smoking, but he decides to attack my black bishop on the right! Trying to trick me or something?



So I slap him with a check on the left by taking his knight that is guarding his king.



He kills my attack pawn and now I have two bishops under attack by pawns, which shall I save? At this point I don't even care. I know if I keep it up he is a limping dikdik on the Masai plains and I am tracking him eagerly.



I save my white bishop cause I still think I can get a shot at checking his king and killing his queen somehow. Though maybe I'm a little scatter brained at this point.



He kills my bishop on the right with his pawn.



I castle. Look at the setup of our sides. My king is safely ensconced, his is out for a walk smelling flowers. His pawns are all double stacked, mine are all single stacked.



Another attack! This attack is so boring and pointless it is making me mad.



I easily move out of the way.



He is moving pieces around and doesn't know what he's doing, maybe he's trying to open up a space for his king to go hide in? No clue....these beginner's can be dangerous though, because they are like drunken bar fools who might get a good punch in when you are laughing at them.



Not sure what to do but I develop my queen side knight in order to make the back row flush with queen and rooks and to start galloping hard on the plains



He moves his queen out of target range for my white bishop, even though that's not really a threat, he's just moving pieces for no reason now.



I check with my knight, hoping to draw his bishop out which I will kill with my queen and then hoping he won't notice his rook stuck behind his knight.



Takes my knight with his bishop.



I take with the queen, notice the rook ready to be slaughtered.



Ouch, he escapes! He's smarter than I thought! What now?



I'll go try for a check on the left side, hunting and killing for game



He attacks my queen with his knight, BORING!



I put the queen back where she should be for most of any game, her original place. You don't want her out and about, she might find some new guy.



He doesn't see his check coming with my knight, otherwise he wouldn't attack it so feebly.



Check! If he moves his king left like he should I'll take the pawn guarding his knight on the right, if he goes right I'll take the pawn on the left and attack his queen.

WATCH: EVERY CHESS PLAYER'S FANTASY OCCURANCE:



CAN YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID TO HIMSELF???



This is a very rare thing, and very rewarding, a check on the king but also an attack on the queen that he can't stop. The beast is now lying in blood in the grass, unable to protect its fat stomach of fat and flesh and meat.



I like this move, he's gonna protect his queen with his king!



The knight effectively ends the game here. He should resign, though I have won games with no queen, but not when it's so obviously one-sided.



Takes with his rook.



He left that pawn dangling in the air so I had to snatch it up. Now I am gloating, happy, my guard is down. I will clean him up with my queen, one pawn at a time till he resigns or I checkmate him.



He saves his knight. Be careful of that knight, he can snatch you when you least expect it.



He left another pawn for a nice little snack.



I don't know why he moved his rook here, but I'm not really paying attention to him anymore.



My queen eats the third pawn in a row, like Mrs. Pac Man.



He moves his rook out of harm's way but not sure why he just goes here.



Fourth pawn in a row eats it, this time by my bishop.



He stacks up his rooks for some kind of suicide mission.



I move out my right side pawn, trying to get 2 queens! Now I'm just playing with him.



He attacks my queen with his knight! I warned you about those guys! Where do I go? I'm fat, dizzy with excitement, cocky, overconfident, feeling that gotta get mine perspective.



Smack! What a dumbass move. He actually paused for a second as if to say, what? He just did whaaa?? I put my queen in the target of his rook, luckily I have the pawn to get a rook with, otherwise we'd be tied up, a couple of dummies with no queen.



Queen snatched!



Slap your rook back!



I eat your pawn blacky! Revenge!



Now I am shaken, but still think I can get this pawn to either queen or at least get his knight trying to protect it or something (right side).



He attacks my bishop and stops the advancing pawn.



I protect the bishop but leave my pawn hanging potentially for his rook to snatch.



He attacks my bishop doubly now for some reason. Here I think if I sacrifice my bishop I can get a pawn through to queen. Let's see it happen.



This move was unneccessary on my part. I want to sacrifice the bishop, though I'd kill him if he took it with his rook, once I move the protecting pawn forward.



More dicking around on his part.



I move my pawn forward for the sacrifice. Thank you RA!



Takes it with his knight. I won't take his knight now, but try to queen.



One step forward.



He attacks my rook with his knight. Go away!



Now if he moves his knight I'll take his rook and then where will he be.



More dickless moves from him meaning nothing but smoke and mirrors. The sound and the farty.



One more step for my pawn, he now cannot stop the queening.



A feeble attack on his part. I almost let him just have it, but then I'd have to take his knight with my rook and leave my pawn open for him to attack with his rook.



So I again get behind him, if he moves his rook leaves the face of the planet forever.



Dumbass at work. Just counting time till the hangman shows up.



I queen my pawn.



COMO? QUE?

THE REST IS EASY TO SEE, HE FINALLY RESIGNED WHEN HE HAD ENOUGH BEATING. CHECK IT AND THANK YOU FOR PLAYING.