breakfast

matters of number 2 and such

My big anxieties include going to the restroom #2 anywhere other than home and flying in airplanes.

Imagine my surprise when I had a 2 hour layover in Chicago and suddenly needed to evacuate certain regions of my body (chicken wings and beer the night before). So I said screw it and went into the men's room at O'Hare airport.

They had these things called like "techno-wizard ass covers" or something, seat covers that automatically advanced when you left the stall, leaving a new seat cover for the next client.

I had to go so bad I sat there in that 2 ft wide cell and went, of course the techno wizard started malfunctioning and started flushing the toilet and advancing the seat covers over and over and over and over and over so that they built up on my leg like a little plastic mountain.

All the while I am freaking out about taking my next flight, having to go poopy and having the toilet flush over and over with people in the next stalls probably going "wtf is that guy doing? probably terrorism or some shit, I better report him"

Well. Thanks for listening.

Here's an example of what was going on under my bottom the whole time I sat there:



And here's an example of the automatic seat cover in action:



You can imagine the two in constant motion with some anxiety level of 10.

Thanks again.

little negro boy

From "The Land of Nod" xmas catalogue comes this bit of prevalent ideology:

Item: Little Caribbean Drummer Boy

In the description it says: "I don't want to work, I want to bang on my calypso drum all day."

Jeez... some underpaid copywriter a bit bitter during the holiday season?

emirates air

Finally we can get private rooms on planes!

We can either have a crazy party in our room or be like this guy and read, see the time on a clock AND watch TV at the same time!

monologue

I'll think of something more exciting
$75 is kind of expensive
I'll make a list for you
We're going to go clean the garage
She's just now going to sleep
Get that treadmill out
You got to keep trying in life
Number 2
Don't drink tequila

hardware

The commercials for Ace hardware and Home Depot always feature like these clueless people wandering in who decide to build a room on their house or something and then these employees who are basically contractors and carpenters and plumbers who guide the customer through the process and help them out throughout the entire store.

If you go to these places though they are stocked with poorly paid teenagers who don't know shit and old people who try to avoid customers at all costs. There are these doorbell things you push for help and everyone in the store is pushing them so on the loudspeakers it's a continuous stream of electronic buzzing and "help needed in plumbing supplies" "help needed in carpets."

Then if you do corner an employee they look at you in fear and then say "let me get someone who knows about caulking, I'll be right back" then they disappear forever.

WTF. Go to a small hardware store with 2 guys working there instead, they are better.